Me

 I saw this picture someone tagged me in on Facebook and I know I need to make changes.  I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin which is weird because I have been about the same weight for 16 years.  I think since my kids are getting older I have had more time to think about what I want, what I want my life to look like and I don't want to look like this.  I am trying to think what is best for me at this point in my life, can I loose this weight on my own or is gastric sleeve the best option for me....I have so much to think about. 

My Life To Do List

1.  Stop Smoking   -  Ugh, yes I smoke, a closet smoker literally.  I sneak in my bathroom two to three times a day and have a cigarette.  I try to hide it from my children, I'm ashamed, I don't want them to think it's OK.  Also, I feel like it keeps my metabolism up, stupid I know.

            *  Last day I smoked 11/17/13

2.  Exercise Regularly-  I need to exercise 3 to 4 times a week, this not only helps me control my weight but it nourishes me both mentally and physically.  I need to move in order to feel strong and aware of my body.  Also, it clears my head.

3.  Eat Healthy - To me this means listening to my body. What food is helping lose weight?  What food makes me feel energized?  What food upsets my stomach or makes how much food makes me feel uncomfortable? This just means constant awareness of what I eat and how I feel after eating it. 

4.  Financial Freedom  - I have been working on this quite a bit lately.  I have been attending a Financial Peace University class and as a result I realized I can not afford my house anymore now that I am a single parent.  So I put my house on the market about 4 weeks ago and it sold in about 2 weeks.  It sold quickly and I got a great cash offer, I guess it was meant to be.  I kind of feel like everything is working out the way it was meant to be.  The kids and I are kind of sad.  I thought I would spend Christmas' there with my  grandchildren but it it too much for me to physically or financially take care of.  Also, I can't keep working 50 hours a week and still be broke because it just isn't enough income. 

This is a lot to handle all at once but I feel like when things are going right in one area of your life you can gain momentum for other areas. 

Work In Progress

I have been thinking about this for awhile, that I need to organize my life and my goals for improvement.  I truly believe that we are always a work in progress.  Sometimes I strive for perfection but I know there is no such thing and striving for it just causes disappointment which leads to more failure.  The circle of my old life. 

Because life is a living, breathing work of art, you are a painting as you go. Be a masterpiece. Drink in life. Laugh too loud. Compliment others constantly.

— Nicole Johnson

Then surprise, I opened my email and this was my inspirational quote for today.  So appropriate for how I feel today.  There are so many things in my life I need to work on right now.  I used to take the approach one thing at a time but I decided that isn't right for me anymore.  I think if you are disciplined in one area of your life it can spread to other areas.  I'm hoping anyway.  I also think that if you are struggling in one area of your life it's alright because you may be succeeding in other areas, which inturn spread positive energy through out your life.  I decided to make a list of all the things that need improvement in my life.  Who do I want to be?  What do I want my life to look like?

21 Day Sugar Detox

I'm miserable, ugh.  I weighed myself this morning and I gained 5 pounds this weekend as a result of eating birthday cake, cookies, pizza, wings and Gelato.  However, I did sort of have this realization that alcohol really send me into complete binge mode.  Friday night while playing cards with the girls, I drank too much wine and a pumpkin martini, yum, which by the way do not mix well.  I was miserable the next day.  Hung-over, starving and craving all kinds of sugar and greasy fats, which sent me into a non-productive, high calorie weekend.  Ever since I drank way too much alcohol I have been craving sugar like crazy.  The Halloween candy around the house keeps calling me by name where as last week I was doing pretty well, even forgetting we had candy in the house.   I know I am a sugar addict and that my body is used to running on sugar and carbohydrates for so long that fighting it is such a battle.  It's so hard.

I decided to give this 21 Day Sugar Detox a real solid try.  I am only going to eat things on the Good Foods list for 21 days, which I suppose means a lot of brown rice, chicken and salads.  Also, no alcohol and no candy on Halloween, now that's scary.  I may have to skip all social plans. 

I figured if I start today my 21 days will be up before Thanksgiving.  I really just want to learn to eat sugar and carbs in moderation and break the cravings, which I really believe is what thin people do.  I know I am going to be miserable, especially the first week.  I'm already miserable, so far today and it's only been about 4 hours.   I ate this piece of baked egg for breakfast.  One meal done and only 62 to go, this makes it sound more doable. 

Inspiration

This made me laugh, even Batman has a before and after. 
Life has been pretty good around here but my exercises and food choices haven't been great nor have they been that bad either.  I think I weigh 327, I need to get a new scale.  I have been doing a lot of thinking lately thinking about what I want my life to look, thinking about how I want to live.  I found two old Weight Watchers weigh-in books, one from 2005 and one from 2008, my starting weight was exactly the same, 330, in both books.  The same I am now too.  It is so weird for the past 10 years, maybe longer, I have weighed almost the EXACT same weight, except when I went through my divorce I lost 40 pounds, which was great but it was because I couldn't eat anything.   I don't really understand this but what I do understand is my body is so used to this weight that I have to make drastic changes in order to change.   I need to find a way to change my bodies "normal" or the weight my body seems to like. 

Weigh In Friday

I have this love/hate relationship with the scale.  I think most overweight people do, well, probably most people do.  Today I weighed in at 325.5 which is 5.5 pounds down from where I started.  It seems to be such a slow process

I did an hour of aerobics yesterday at the gym and then walked 1.3 miles in 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I feel like I am learning.  My eating is getting better, I'm trying to eat around 1200 to 1250 calories and about 100 g of carbs.  I want to work up to exercising 5 times a week, it seems to be more of a mental challenge then physical. 

I just want this so bad this time and I am so frustrated it seems to be taking so long and I have to eat practically nothing to even lose a pound.  I not giving up though.




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My Comfort Zone

Do you ever have those moments when someone ask you to do something and your first thought is, yeah that sounds great, but after thinking about it you begin to think of all the reasons why you can't participate?  For me I want to go out and be social but I am afraid.  I guess I am ultimately afraid of looking like a fool and it sucks to always feel this way and worry about such things. 

So there is this small group of people who work out together after work a few days a week and they asked me to join them and guess what, I really want to.  I think it will be helpful and inspiring but I'm scared.  I'm slow and I am afraid of looking like the fat and out of shape person I am.  I will look like those poor people on the Biggest Loser, ready to pass out, vomit and physically exhausted.  Plus did I mention the group is run by a cute guy? Awkward!

I walked yesterday to see what my speed is and how far I good go, this is the result. 

I can't stop thinking about this quote because I know I am always waiting for things to be my idea of perfect in order for me to participate in anything.  I'm tired or waiting. 

Low Carb

I ate low carb yesterday.  I wanted to eat about 30 grams of carbohydrates but I ended up eating about 60 grams.  I ate left over roaster's chicken for breakfast but by lunch I was feeling so weird, light headed, dizzy and just kind of out of it.  It was so strange, I never felt like that before.  So I had a grilled cheese for lunch and felt normal again.  I also had a small cookie.  For dinner I made a steak Cesar salad with just a couple croutons because I felt light headed again.  I don't know if I felt hungry or just wanting food later in the evening but I went to bed instead of eating. 

The thing is this morning I woke up and I felt really good.  I felt smaller, less bloated.  I didn't weigh myself, I'm waiting until Friday.  I love that feeling when you wake up and feel smaller but I hate that I allow myself to depend on that feeling for my happiness.  Waking up and feeling smaller makes my whole day, it gives me strength to keep going which is why I didn't weigh myself.  However, if I wake up and feel bloated or extra fat, I allow it to ruin my whole day and sabotage my eating plan but I am working on this. 

Today....

I'm sitting here kind of sad. I stayed within my goal of 1200 calories yesterday and I was starving but proud of myself. Today, however, not so much. I woke up hungry, didn't plan my food and then I didn't get this position at work I was hoping to get, so I ate. I really ate, I had a candy bar and later a cupcake. Also, I skipped the gym, resulting in me feeling like crap, guilty and that I let myself down.

I'm sitting here wondering why I can't just be happy with who I am now? Why can't I accept my life the way it is and just live instead of obsessing about my weight? Then I realized it is because I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like myself. I know that sounds really weird but I don't feel like me.

I wish I was able to go out for happy hour after work and just enjoy myself but I can't because I am so self-conscience. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to miss out on life anymore because I feel so uncomfortable with who I am. I want to feel safe and secure with who I am.

I think if I focus on working out it will help me feel more connected to my body. It will help me appreciate my body and feel strong and healthy no matter what my weight. I feel like I need to find myself, figure out who I am from the outside in.

For some reason this photo just spoke to me today.

Inspirational Quote of the Day (Tue, 09 Apr 2013)

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

Norman Vincent Peale