Getting Through the Process

This process is taking so much longer than I thought it would.  I guess because I have been contemplating surgery for such a long time in my head, like years, that once I made my decision I thought it would go faster.  I have been working through the steps though.  I took the nutritional classes and they gave us a bunch of useful information.  I liked the girls in my group but I was hoping we could get closer, like go through this together but that just isn't happening. Everyone is busy and at a different points in the process.  I went for my blood work and I have a bacteria in my stomach so I just finished 2 weeks of antibiotics and need to test negative in order to get insurance approval.

I finally meant with the surgeon and that went pretty well.  He answered all my questions very patiently.  Told me I was an excellent candidate and prepared me as much as possible for the surgery.  I wont meet the surgeon again until the morning of my surgery.  So as of now I have to go for my blood work to see if the bacteria is gone and an EKG, because my primary wants it before he will send his note of approval.  If both of these things are fine then they can go to my insurance company for approval.  I'm just hoping everything goes ok today. 

I haven't been eating mindfully at all.  I haven't weighed myself either but I can tell I am gaining weight.  I think I weighed 331 at the doctors office which was a couple weeks ago.  That really sucked!  I am going to start working out again and just focus on that and not my food right now.  Usually when I start a workout regimen it's easier to eat healthier.  Your body just craves healthier food.  Plus I feel like I need to get in shape for the surgery.

Plus Size Coats

I love fall, I'm not such a big fan of winter.  It's so hard to find the perfect coat.  I usually buy my coats from Lands End, they fit me right and they are usually made well.  However, this year I was thinking of trying somewhere new.  I'm tired of always wearing black coats so I was thinking of a caramel, orange or even olive color. I love the navy but it may be better for spring.  It's hard to find a coat that is pretty and keeps you really warm. 

 

Ugly but warm.

 

 

 

one/ two/ three/ four/ five/ six/ seven/ eight

Practicing Patience

I went to my first group meeting last Wednesday, which they make you do in order to have surgery.  It was a little helpful, I'm hoping we will eventually cover some useful nutritional information about per-op and post-op diet but mostly people talked about their personal eating habits.  I think I overeducated myself so I find these meeting kind of boring and not that useful.  The only useful thing I found out is they are currently scheduling surgeries out until end of January into February.  I was disappointed to find out I will have to wait that long.  I know it's a big decision but since I have been thinking and researching about this for such a long time I feel like I have already spent the time I needed to spend contemplating if this is the right decision for me.  I just need to keep reminding myself to practice patience. 

I have been eating way too much food.  I'm acting like I am never going to eat again or something which is crazy.  I'm miserable and my clothes are getting tight.  I have decided to get control over my eating and to start exercising again.  I need to feel better and in some weird way I feel like I need to be in the best shape I can be before I have surgery.  So it's time for me to stop eating like I'm having surgery next week or I will end up gaining another 50 pounds. 

True That!

Oh, I sound so gangster for a middle aged Mom of three.  I read this and it just sounded so true.  It's like I woke up one day and knew surgery was the best option for me.  I'm scared, of course I'm scared of surgery, but now I'm scared I wont get approved or for some reason I wont be able to have surgery.  I had my thyroid removed so I'm not sure if that is an issue or not? 

When people say you become obsessed, it's so true. You join support groups on Facebook and Instagram.  You get consumed in all the gastric sleeve YouTube videos.  I have begun to see signs everywhere that tell me I am doing the right thing and I keep finding them.  I have weirdly all of a sudden run into people who are having the gastric sleeve or have already had it.  I ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen in 15 years and she had bariatric surgery, weird right?  My Dad had a minor procedure done in the out patient surgery area and I ran to a whole group having surgery that day by the same surgeon I am going to see.  I wonder if it's random or the universe pointing me in the right direction for me?

Today is the first time I actually go to the Bariatric Center for some sort of class, I am so excited but I have no idea what to expect or how long all of this is going to take but step one here I come. 

The Road to Gastric Sleeve

I have started the process of getting weight loss surgery and I mean just barely started.  Step one was just to attend or take an information seminar online, that part was easy.  Then I called to get in with doctor and my appointment isn't until October 23, which is driving me nuts because when I make up my mind I just want to get on with things.  I know this is a very serious life change so I need to practice patience. 

They did send me a check list of things I needed to get done, a form from my primary doctor, an appointment with a psychologist, blood work and nutritional classes.  So far, I have dropped off my paperwork and went to the psychologist, which was a total waste of money.  All the psychologist did was ask me a few basic questions, like how much do you weigh and have you tried other weight loss program, duh pretty much everyday since I was 10.  Then I had to take a 500 true/false test, like a personality test.  I think to make sure you aren't depressed or crazy, but really why can't depressed or crazy people have weight loss surgery? 

So the weird thing is they scheduled my three nutritional classes starting October 8 and I don't meet with the doctor until October 23, after I finished all the classes.  I'm wondering if everyone get approved or if they know by then if you will be approved or not?  She did say that after you meet with the doctor the insurance company usually takes about 2 weeks to approve you for surgery.  I'm wondering if they schedule my surgery then or if it will take awhile after that? I'm trying to be patient but I am a control freak and like to know what is going on.  Trying to remind myself one day at a time. 

This graph pretty much explains why I choose Gastric Sleeve over Gastric Bypass.  I was actually surprised that long-term gastric sleeve has better weight loss results, barely but it does.  I prefer it because it has less side effects.

Me

 I saw this picture someone tagged me in on Facebook and I know I need to make changes.  I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin which is weird because I have been about the same weight for 16 years.  I think since my kids are getting older I have had more time to think about what I want, what I want my life to look like and I don't want to look like this.  I am trying to think what is best for me at this point in my life, can I loose this weight on my own or is gastric sleeve the best option for me....I have so much to think about. 

So today I sit here not making progress actually gaining weight, see the progress tab, I'm frustrated.  I'm so frustrated that I actually sat through one of those informational meetings about gastric bypass or gastric sleeve.  I actually think surgery is a great option for me or anyone who is obese but I am such a baby.  See I have had surgeries that were not elective and they aren't much fun so electing to have surgery just scares the hell out of me.

Then.....
I saw this video by Jim Carrey and it just made since to me.

"My soul is not contained within the limits of my body; my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul."  Jim Carrey

I heard this and it's like someone just smacked me.  Our soul makes up so many different aspects as to who we are with the body being one of them.  I believe the way I feel about my body, which is not good, is eating away at my soul. 

“There is no reality except the one contained within us. That is why so many people live such an unreal life. They take the images outside of them for reality and never allow the world within to assert itself.”
― Hermann Hesse

This is so me, I look at myself through the eyes of others or how I think others view me.  I never just allow my true self to shine though.  I don't think I even know who I am because I look at, compare and worry about how others see me.  It's kind of sad.

However, the thing that Jim Carrey says about fear really knocked the wind out of me.  I think I live in fear.  I have had a lot of shit happen to me, as most people have, but I am constantly afraid.  I know the fear I feel is paralyzing me and keeping me from the things I was meant to be and do.  Choosing fear over love is keeping me from getting healthy.  Fear keeps me stuck where I am in relationships, my career and my health.  Fear causes me to get consumed with worry about the past and the future.  Fear prevents me from putting my true self out into the world. 


I'm choosing "LOVE" and "FAITH".  Love for myself and faith that I can become a healthy person, heal my soul and live the life I envision for myself. 

So today I am officially asking the UNIVERSE to let me become the person I envision myself being.

Plus Size Maxi Dresses

Old Navy

As I'm getting ready for work everyday I can't stop thinking about Maxi dresses.  A maxi dress is so easy to wear, can be flattering and makes you look like you really pulled yourself together but its such an easy and affordable look. 

Old Navy has some pretty, casual dresses that are really affordable.  The ones above are great for the beach or pool and the bottom row are acceptable for my workplace. 







ASOS  Is very affordable too and has some really cute plus size dresses.  I love the first large floral print dress but I'm not sure how it will look on or what type of bra to wear.  I think I may buy it anyway even if I just wear it to the beach/pool or with a cardigan. 

Modcloth has such a great selection of plus size clothes.  Apparently, I really like their blue maxi dresses.  I think the blue dress with the Tulle on the bottom would work really well for a wedding or another more formal affair.   Isn't that Bohemian dress so cute.  I think I need that one too.

Spanx and a maxi dress and I'm ready to go. 

Whole30- Day 1

So Day 1 was OK.  I'm not going to lie, sometimes it was hard and I really wanted a Diet Coke and a candy bar.  Just a little bit of chocolate is OK right?  No, I know it's not.  I really wasn't hungry though, just craving certain things. 

I did felt kind of bloated throughout the day which kind of surprised me, probably all the vegetables.  Also, I had a headache which I am sure is from the lack of caffeine.  I even woke up with a headache, a dull sort of headache.

The other problem I am having is figuring our what to eat.  I realized I am not a huge fan of vegetables or even protein which may be exactly why I am overweight. 

The Whole30 book suggest no snacking if you can, so basically 3 meals a day so I tried to follow that today.

Breakfast  -  Banana and mixed nuts

Lunch-  A big salad with chicken, vegetables and sunflower seeds with olive oil and balsamic vinegar as dressing.

Dinner- I forgot to take a picture but I baked salmon with just olive oil and some dried herbs.  I also had some steamed carrots. 

I may be eating too many nuts/seeds but at least I am following the plan.  Only 29 days to go.

My Diet Coke replacement.

Whole30

So I decided to try the Whole30 approach to food for the next 30 days.  I was reading this book and I realized I needed to do something kind of drastic from my normal.  My normal is to start each day with a glass of water, because of medication, and then move on to 2-3 Diet cokes.  Sometimes I eat breakfast, a bagel with peanut butter or a Kit Kat, sometimes I don't.  What I have come to realize is I then spend a lot of my day fighting my cravings for more sugar and more carbs because of the way I start my day. 

 

I think following the Whole30 food plan is going to be very difficult for me but so worth it.  I need to get to know my body again.  I need to know how food affects my body and clean out my system of the crap I eat and drink. 

 

I am not a good planner and I am not an organized person so this will be a huge challenge for me but again it causes me to think about the food I put into my mouth and I need to do that. 

 

You can not weigh yourself for the whole 30 days which is going to be another challenge to this food plan.

So my beginning weight is 314.2, and above is a few before pictures.  I don't expect any big changes hopefully I will lose some weight and my clothes will be a little less tight.  My ultimate goal is to make lasting changes to my eating habits. 

 

Goodbye Cabernet Sauvignon and Diet Coke, I will miss you. 

Motivation

Motivation is the driving force that causes the flux from desire to will in life.

I saw this definition of motivation and I kept reading it over and over again wondering what is that thing, driving force, that makes us go from from the desire to succeed to the will to succeed? 

I think I have a desire to lose weight for so many reasons, to look good, to feel good, to fit into cute clothes (and tall Frye boots), to be healthy and to have something to blog about.  However, I keep wondering how do I turn these desires into will?  What is it for me that will give me the will to be successful instead of just the desire? 

Having the will to succeed to me means seeing the big picture, the long term goal and not giving in to instant gratification.  Losing weight and feeling better is such a slow process that it is far easier to give into that chocolate or the nap on the coach as apposed to the workout. 

Losing weight takes so effort, it's hard.  It's hard to prepare the right foods.  It's hard to find time to exercise.  It's hard to focus on yourself and your own needs. 

I have 200 days until I am supposed to going to compete in a half marathon.  I don't know how I am going to do it.  I am scared as hell to go out there and do it and I am scared as hell I am going to give up on this goal. 

I need to find my will, my thing that will push me from desire to will.  I'm hoping that thing is running.  I'm hoping my desire to be a runner, very slow but a runner, is that thing that will give me the will to keep going.   I just need to have the patience and accept that sometimes delayed gratification is worth the wait.  Once I get to the point where I am physically capable of running I hope my will will become stronger and stronger. 

 

Good Friday, Good Friday!

It's been a great day.  It's finally beginning to feel like Spring here and with it comes these feelings of hope and renewal.  Life has been so crazy lately and I am finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm excited and hopeful I will begin to have more time to focus on getting healthy, working on myself, physically and mentally, and writing all about here.

My current weight is 311.7 and my exercise has been erratic.

I was feeling less than motivated lately and felt like I needed something to look forward too, something to propel me in the direction I want to go toward.  So I signed up for the Walt Disney World Wine and Dine Half Marathon.  

I honestly can't believe I signed up of a half marathon.  I have to be able to run 13.1 miles at a less than 16 minute per mile pace.   Right now I can walk about 4 miles at the most and average a 17 to 18 minute pace per mile.   I've always wanted to run a Disney run but I've always been to scared to commit.  However, I did it, I signed up, spent too much money on it and now I have to start training. Wish me luck I about 200 days to train.

Here's to spring, here's to new beginning and here's to creating the girl I've always wanted to be.