Morning of Day 5

I'm down 9.8 pounds in 4 days, YIPPIE!! 

I often wonder if I could just do this diet until I lose the amount of weight I want to lose (about 150 pounds total).  I'm sure every weight loss surgery patient thinks about this, no one wants to have surgery.  I know for me I could not maintain a this liquid diet.  I am hungry.  I want to use my teeth again. 

I think the liquid diet is good for getting you in that mind frame you need for surgery.  It is an extreme beginning to making lasting changes.  Giving up Diet Coke has been easier then I thought it would be but giving up food has been harder than I thought it would be.  I bought some Crystal Light with caffeine just to the transition easier and I drink a lot of unsweetened ice tea. 

I am getting so nervous but I think you are so ready to get off this liquid diet that you are hoping the surgery gets here quickly.   

Day 4 Of Hell Week

Well, I have survived 4 days, almost. I have to say day three was definitely the hardest so far. I was so hungry and making dinner for my family was like torture.  I went to bed at 8 just to avoid food. I didn't lose any weight this morning, which stinks when you know you are starving to death. I have a feeling I may be a slow loser which is kind of scary because if you are going through all of this you want to make sure the surgery works and you want to lose weight fast. 

I spend a lot of time looking at Facebook and Instagram groups for inspiration and to help me stay focused and it does help. 

Today I got my official medical clearance from my primary and the hospital called to pre-register me. Man this is getting real. 

Day Two - Liver Reduction Diet

So, I have survived two days on the clear liquid diet and it is not easy.  I'M HUNGRY!!

I am supposed to have 3-4 protein shakes a day it's hard because they don't taste that great and let's just say they make you "go".   The doctor told us to use the protein shakes from Bariatric Fusion, I have the chocolate mousse flavor, too bad it's not real chocolate mousse.   I can also have, chicken broth, sugar free Jello and sugar free Popsicles, which have all never tasted so good.  Honestly, I'm scared I wont make it the whole 10 day. 

 

On a brighten note I have lost 6.6 pounds in two days.  I'm sure it is mostly water weight but I will take it.  I weighed myself Sunday morning, Day 1 and I weighed in at 328.5, which was surprising because I feel like I have been eating non-stop.  This morning I weighed in at 321.9. 

Currently, my before  

APPROVED and Surgery Date

So here I sit, Friday night on my bed filled with so many different emotions. I am so grateful I got approved, there are many people out there who need surgery but can't get it for whatever reason. I feel nervous, I'm scared, not about the pain but just about surviving the surgery and not having complications. I feel guilty and selfish, I am a single Mom so should I even be doing this?  

Here I am on a Friday night sitting at home not because my friends didn't invite me out and not because my kids need me, I'm siting here because I am not comfortable going out.  I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I feel awful about myself, I feel like nothing fits and I feel invisible. I hurt my knee recently and I realized I do not want to live in this uncomfortable and hard to move in body anymore. I want to feel physically fit and strong. So I'm not going to back out. I am going to be strong and have faith I made the right choice for me and my family. 

My surgery is January 28, 2015. I like the sound of that. 

I start my liquid diet this Sunday. I think this will be the hardest part especially giving up Diet Coke. 

My current weight is 332, which makes me really sad and frustrated.  It is so hard to lose weight and so easy to gain. I know I have been eating way too much and of course I have had way too many last meals.  

I will try and post my whole journey in hopes it will help me to never return to this place.  I need to remember how I feel now. I'm so afraid I will go through all of this and fail.  Failing at Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig is expected but failing at weight-loss surgery that would just really suck. 

Tonight I will sit on my bed, remember this moment and try to remember there really are new beginnings. 

Getting Through the Process

This process is taking so much longer than I thought it would.  I guess because I have been contemplating surgery for such a long time in my head, like years, that once I made my decision I thought it would go faster.  I have been working through the steps though.  I took the nutritional classes and they gave us a bunch of useful information.  I liked the girls in my group but I was hoping we could get closer, like go through this together but that just isn't happening. Everyone is busy and at a different points in the process.  I went for my blood work and I have a bacteria in my stomach so I just finished 2 weeks of antibiotics and need to test negative in order to get insurance approval.

I finally meant with the surgeon and that went pretty well.  He answered all my questions very patiently.  Told me I was an excellent candidate and prepared me as much as possible for the surgery.  I wont meet the surgeon again until the morning of my surgery.  So as of now I have to go for my blood work to see if the bacteria is gone and an EKG, because my primary wants it before he will send his note of approval.  If both of these things are fine then they can go to my insurance company for approval.  I'm just hoping everything goes ok today. 

I haven't been eating mindfully at all.  I haven't weighed myself either but I can tell I am gaining weight.  I think I weighed 331 at the doctors office which was a couple weeks ago.  That really sucked!  I am going to start working out again and just focus on that and not my food right now.  Usually when I start a workout regimen it's easier to eat healthier.  Your body just craves healthier food.  Plus I feel like I need to get in shape for the surgery.

Plus Size Coats

I love fall, I'm not such a big fan of winter.  It's so hard to find the perfect coat.  I usually buy my coats from Lands End, they fit me right and they are usually made well.  However, this year I was thinking of trying somewhere new.  I'm tired of always wearing black coats so I was thinking of a caramel, orange or even olive color. I love the navy but it may be better for spring.  It's hard to find a coat that is pretty and keeps you really warm. 

 

Ugly but warm.

 

 

 

one/ two/ three/ four/ five/ six/ seven/ eight

Practicing Patience

I went to my first group meeting last Wednesday, which they make you do in order to have surgery.  It was a little helpful, I'm hoping we will eventually cover some useful nutritional information about per-op and post-op diet but mostly people talked about their personal eating habits.  I think I overeducated myself so I find these meeting kind of boring and not that useful.  The only useful thing I found out is they are currently scheduling surgeries out until end of January into February.  I was disappointed to find out I will have to wait that long.  I know it's a big decision but since I have been thinking and researching about this for such a long time I feel like I have already spent the time I needed to spend contemplating if this is the right decision for me.  I just need to keep reminding myself to practice patience. 

I have been eating way too much food.  I'm acting like I am never going to eat again or something which is crazy.  I'm miserable and my clothes are getting tight.  I have decided to get control over my eating and to start exercising again.  I need to feel better and in some weird way I feel like I need to be in the best shape I can be before I have surgery.  So it's time for me to stop eating like I'm having surgery next week or I will end up gaining another 50 pounds.