So here I sit, Friday night on my bed filled with so many different emotions. I am so grateful I got approved, there are many people out there who need surgery but can't get it for whatever reason. I feel nervous, I'm scared, not about the pain but just about surviving the surgery and not having complications. I feel guilty and selfish, I am a single Mom so should I even be doing this?
Here I am on a Friday night sitting at home not because my friends didn't invite me out and not because my kids need me, I'm siting here because I am not comfortable going out. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I feel awful about myself, I feel like nothing fits and I feel invisible. I hurt my knee recently and I realized I do not want to live in this uncomfortable and hard to move in body anymore. I want to feel physically fit and strong. So I'm not going to back out. I am going to be strong and have faith I made the right choice for me and my family.
My surgery is January 28, 2015. I like the sound of that.
I start my liquid diet this Sunday. I think this will be the hardest part especially giving up Diet Coke.
My current weight is 332, which makes me really sad and frustrated. It is so hard to lose weight and so easy to gain. I know I have been eating way too much and of course I have had way too many last meals.
I will try and post my whole journey in hopes it will help me to never return to this place. I need to remember how I feel now. I'm so afraid I will go through all of this and fail. Failing at Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig is expected but failing at weight-loss surgery that would just really suck.
Tonight I will sit on my bed, remember this moment and try to remember there really are new beginnings.
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