Month 5 post VSG, Vertical Sleeve

So on June 28, 2015 I was exactly 5 months post op.  This experience has been something that is so hard to put into words.  Not only is it a physical journey but the emotional journey far exceeds the physical journey in terms of adjustment.  As of this morning I weighted 245, which is a loss of 83.5 pound since the start of my liquid diet, January 18, 2015 and 69 since the day of my surgery, January 28, 2015. 

The games that your mind can play on you is just crazy.  I still feel like I'm the same size.  I still worry if I have to sit in a booth or a plastic chair.  I still order too much food or prepare too much food.  The mind games are for real. 

Recent photo dump, plus there is more on Instagram. 

4 Months Out from VSG

I'm laying here thinking about how far I have come in 4 months. I've lost 72 pounds since I started my liquid diet on January 18, 2015. It's been life changing in so many ways. Yes, I feel better and yes, I look better but I kind of feel like a different person. I don't know why? Is it because I feel more comfortable in my one skin? Is it because I feel stronger? Is it because my eating habits are so different?  I just don't really know how to explain it but I feel so different. 

I'm learning so much about myself. I'm laying in bed now trying understand my thoughts and hoping to share more with you guys tomorrow. 

VSG- 7 Weeks Out

I really need to be a better blogger.  I really don't have any excuse because my life is pretty boring, which is good.  I'm still a bit tired and lazy but it is getting so much better.  This is the first week where I am really beginning to feel like my old self. 

I went to the doctor Friday and they have me losing 39 pounds from their records which is good.  They said I was on track, which was also good to hear.   He cleared me for all exercise and I'm free to eat, well try to eat, anything I want. 

To be honest my eating habits are not very good.  I am still very restricted so it's hard to get 700-900 calories in a day.  I'm also finding it very hard to 60-80 grams of protein in a day.  Here is the problem, food that is high in protein doesn't have very many calories.  Like I could eat a packet of tuna for lunch and be very full for along time and it only has 80 calories.  I usually eat a protein bar every morning, which has 20 g of protein and 240 calories.  However, it takes me about an hour to eat it and it is so filling. 

Eating is my biggest challenge right now.  Here is what I know, if I don't get at least 700-900 calories a day I don't lose weight.  I think my body goes into starvation mode.  However, in order to get that many calories I basically eat anything I want because I can't eat that much.  I have been eating sugar free ice cream or frozen yogurt every night to get my calories up.  I feel better and I am losing weight so it is working for me right now.  I will also eat baked potatoes with butter or cheese or even pasta.  Basically since I can not eat that much, maybe 10-12 bites of food at a time, I try to eat high calorie foods in order to get my caloric intake up for the day. 

My favorite meal so far.  I just wish I could have enjoyed more of it.  Since having surgery I have never really felt satisfied.  I'm not hungry at all, often I have to remind myself to eat but I never really enjoy my food like I used too.  I don't think I will ever have that feeling again were you have a really good meal and just feel satisfied and pleasantly full.   

 

I'm not sure I can really tell a difference but my clothes are getting bigger so that is good.   

            AFTER                             BEFORE

   

 

I can see the weight loss in my face that seems to be about it. 

VSG- What a Day of Food Looks Like

 

 Tomorrow I will be 3 weeks out, I glad it's going by kind of fast. 

 

Eating is still very difficult, it's getting better but it's still hard.  The hard part is you don't even feel hungry but then your stomach begins to hurt and feel very empty so you know you need to eat.  Then you try to eat and after a few bites your full and can't even think about food.  I know I am not getting anywhere near the protein, water or calories I need but I think this is pretty normal at three weeks out. 

 

8:00 am  I either have a protein shake, which taste terrible or yogurt with protein powder in it, also 

               gross.  Also, I try to remember to take a vitamin at this time.

 

10:00-10:30 am  I start feeling sick, like I need to eat something.  So at this point I have either a

                   cheese stick, a scrambled egg or some gluten free pretzels.  However, it's very difficult to

                   a whole cheese stick or a whole egg. 

 

12:30 pm   Rest of the cheese stick, maybe some pretzels or sugar free pudding or Jello.  Sometimes

                  for lunch I will have soup and that usually sits pretty well. also, a Vitamin.

 

2:30 pm  Usually a sugar free fudgsicle or sugar free Popsicle. 

 

6:00 pm  For dinner I have been mostly having soup, I tried pork tenderloin last night and it was fine. 

               I only had like 4 bites and chewed it really well.   I've also had Caprese salad s few time and

               that always sit well in my new tummy.  I can have about a cup of soup if it's a clear soup. 

               If I eat food it's about 4-6 bites of food chewed very, very well.  After dinner I try to

               remember to take another vitamin. 

                  

I'm not getting enough protein yet or enough calories but I will get there.  after surgery I could barely get 300 calories a day.  Now I'm up to about 500 calories a day. 

 

I weighed 302.1 this  morning which is kind of disappointing.  They say it's common to hit a stall which I hope I have gone through and I am moving past. 

 

Also, I was able to walk about two miles yesterday very slowly, it took me about 50 minutes but it felt good to exercise. 

VSG Week 2

 

So, here I am exactly two weeks ago today I was just coming out of surgery thankfully everything thing went very well.  It hasn't been easy but it hasn't been horrible either.  I thought I would make a list of the things I have learned so far which may hopefully help someone else.

Thing I have learned so far.....

• I miss food, this is my number one problem.  I miss the ritual of eating with other people.  Eating dinner with family isn't the same, going out to dinner really stinks right now and cooking isn't fun when you can't eat the food you are making. 
• I have had many moments of regret, I hope this changes over time.
• Learning to eat all over again is so much harder then you can possibly imagine.
• Popsicles are a girl's best friend.
• Drink your water!
• It is very hard to get 60 g of protein in a day when you can't even eat. 
• Protein shakes get old very quickly.
• Eat very, very, very slowly. 
• Chew, chew, chew!
• Don't weigh yourself everyday, it's frustrating.
• Time does heal.
• This is a journey that takes a lot of patience. 

I'm still pretty much eating full liquids, yogurt, pudding, Jello and Popsicles.  I have tried cheese, eggs and tuna and I have done alright with all of these but I have to take very small bites and eat very slow.  No matter what I eat I can't eat very much, maybe 2 ounces.  The key is to find the sweet spot where your stomach is not too empty or too full but the difference is about a spoonful of something. 

oh yeah and as of this morning I am down to 304.2, which means I am down 24.3 pounds since I started my pre-op liquid diet. 

Vertical Sleeve Week One Update

So today I am one week out and I currently weigh 309.3, that's a loss of about 6 pounds the first week which I have to say was kind of disappointing.   I've lost a total of 19.2 pounds since I started the liquid diet. 

 

I have already learned a lot and I am already confused.  Now that I am on day 7, I can eat more stuff but the problem is like every time I make food I eat like 3 bites and I'm full.  I've learned it's very hard to get all the water and protein in that you are supposed to get.  I have also learned that you have to figure out to keep your stomach from getting not only too full but also from getting too empty.  I also learned after awhile protein shakes taste like crap.  So I would rather get my protein from food which is almost impossible. 

 

I'm going to try a scrambled egg today and maybe some tuna.  It's the weirdest thing because sometimes you feel so hungry and then sometimes the thought of food just makes you sick.  Figuring out this new stomach will be an interesting journey. 

 

I still have moments when I mourn my old stomach, especially family dinners. 

 

Day 6 So What Am I Eating?

I'm really not eating much at all.  I'm on the full liquid stage two, which means like creamy liquids.  Until today I haven't really worried about meeting my protein goals.

 

In the hospital they bring you clear liquids the first day, Jello, Popsicle, broth and decaf tea.  The first thing I tried after surgery was the Jello and I almost threw it right up.  So after that I didn't try food again for awhile.  I think they keep you in the hospital for two days so you don't get dehydrated, you get IV fluids.  I did eat a lot of ice chips because your throat hurts from the tubes and you are so dry and thirsty.  

 

Here's the breakdown

 

Wednesday, day of surgery, nothing but ice chips.

 

Thursday, popsicle, one bite of pudding, a few bites of  Cream of Wheat and ice chips.

 

Friday, I came home from the hospital and I had some sugar free pudding and sugar free popsicles. 

 

Saturday, I had Cream of Wheat about 10 bites, sugar free pudding  and popsicles.

 

Sunday, I tried to focus more getting my vitamins today and protein.  I did manage to get two vitamins down and I manage to eat a little bit of cream of chicken soup, pudding and Jello. 

 

So today Monday, I decided to mix vanilla Greek yogurt with orange cream protein powder.  It actually tasted good, contained 28 g of protein and I did manage to eat it all in about an hour.  However, I think I definitely ate too much. 

 

I'm going to really try to focus on getting my vitamins and protein intake for the day.

 

 

 

Gross picture of incisions. 

I am Officially Sleeved

So I did it, I actually did it.  I kept thinking I would back out. I was very nervous but everything still kept pointing me in this direction. It just felt like I was doing the right thing. I had my surgery here in Buffalo, NY at ECMC.  They were wonderful.  I spent two nights in the hospital which I actually liked because I needed a break from the kids. If I was home I would of had to take care of them and that just wouldn't be possible. I barely saw my doctor at all which I though was kind of weird but I guess they do their job and leave you alone. I feel very blessed to have had no complications yet. I haven't been able to eat too much but today I got two vitamins in and I am going to try some soup.  I am four days out and I beginning to feel like myself again. I actually feel hungry. I'm not sure if it's head hunger or real but I feel it.  

This was my view from my nice private room.  

This is me finally home and full of gas pain which is quiet better today. I'm grateful to of had two days in the hospital to just concentrate on healing.

I keep having this fear that I won't lose any weight.  I will be this fool who had weight loss surgery but can't lose weight.  That would suck so bad, I wonder if that happens to anyone??

In Less Then 24 Hours I Will Be Sleeved

 

Tomorrow is MY day.  My surgery is at 7:30 in the morning which is good because waiting all day would be so much harder.  I just want them to whisk me back before I know what is happening. 

 

Yesterday was a really bad day for me.  I was tired because I could not sleep the night before, having surgery coming up makes it hard to calm your mind. I was starving, it was day 9 and I'm not sure why I was so, so hungry.  I think all the artificial sugar in Jello, Popsicles and sugar free Gaterade makes it harder and makes you way more hungry.  I was just an emotional mess, tired, hungry and scared.  I have this fear that I will fail to lose weight or that I will gain it back, which scares the hell out of me.  Then I ate some chicken broth and things got a little better. 

 

However, something happened today, I woke up feeling great.  I felt like my world was moving in the right direction.  It was the weirdest thing.  I was calm and at peace.  Hopefully I will feel that way tomorrow too.  I know this is the right decision for not only me but for my children too. I just have to have faith that this is my time to take care of me and that everything will workout great.   

Day 8 Pre-op liquid Diet

It's day 8 and it's so hard. I wake up happy and excited, ready to take on the day.  Then as the day goes on I get hungry, weak and can't stop thinking about food. The hardest part is cooking for the kids. I made chocolate chip waffles Saturday and Sunday, that was so hard, I really wanted one. Tonight I made pizza it looked and smelled so good I couldn't even sit with them while they ate. However, everyday I make it through feels pretty empowering. Honestly, I think they do this to you so you are so ready to have surgery you forget how scary it is. 

Also, so far I lost 11 pounds I'm happy about it but I thought it would be more. I think I will be a slow loser which may get frustrating. 

Trying to distract myself with thoughts of better outfits. 

Peter Attia's Very Interesting Ted Talk on Obesity

 I found this Ted Talk very informative. I don't always make the best food choices but I do not consume a lot of calories so it just doesn't make sense to me why I have such a hard time losing weight.   

   

Morning of Day 5

I'm down 9.8 pounds in 4 days, YIPPIE!! 

I often wonder if I could just do this diet until I lose the amount of weight I want to lose (about 150 pounds total).  I'm sure every weight loss surgery patient thinks about this, no one wants to have surgery.  I know for me I could not maintain a this liquid diet.  I am hungry.  I want to use my teeth again. 

I think the liquid diet is good for getting you in that mind frame you need for surgery.  It is an extreme beginning to making lasting changes.  Giving up Diet Coke has been easier then I thought it would be but giving up food has been harder than I thought it would be.  I bought some Crystal Light with caffeine just to the transition easier and I drink a lot of unsweetened ice tea. 

I am getting so nervous but I think you are so ready to get off this liquid diet that you are hoping the surgery gets here quickly.   

Day 4 Of Hell Week

Well, I have survived 4 days, almost. I have to say day three was definitely the hardest so far. I was so hungry and making dinner for my family was like torture.  I went to bed at 8 just to avoid food. I didn't lose any weight this morning, which stinks when you know you are starving to death. I have a feeling I may be a slow loser which is kind of scary because if you are going through all of this you want to make sure the surgery works and you want to lose weight fast. 

I spend a lot of time looking at Facebook and Instagram groups for inspiration and to help me stay focused and it does help. 

Today I got my official medical clearance from my primary and the hospital called to pre-register me. Man this is getting real. 

Day Two - Liver Reduction Diet

So, I have survived two days on the clear liquid diet and it is not easy.  I'M HUNGRY!!

I am supposed to have 3-4 protein shakes a day it's hard because they don't taste that great and let's just say they make you "go".   The doctor told us to use the protein shakes from Bariatric Fusion, I have the chocolate mousse flavor, too bad it's not real chocolate mousse.   I can also have, chicken broth, sugar free Jello and sugar free Popsicles, which have all never tasted so good.  Honestly, I'm scared I wont make it the whole 10 day. 

 

On a brighten note I have lost 6.6 pounds in two days.  I'm sure it is mostly water weight but I will take it.  I weighed myself Sunday morning, Day 1 and I weighed in at 328.5, which was surprising because I feel like I have been eating non-stop.  This morning I weighed in at 321.9. 

Currently, my before  

APPROVED and Surgery Date

So here I sit, Friday night on my bed filled with so many different emotions. I am so grateful I got approved, there are many people out there who need surgery but can't get it for whatever reason. I feel nervous, I'm scared, not about the pain but just about surviving the surgery and not having complications. I feel guilty and selfish, I am a single Mom so should I even be doing this?  

Here I am on a Friday night sitting at home not because my friends didn't invite me out and not because my kids need me, I'm siting here because I am not comfortable going out.  I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I feel awful about myself, I feel like nothing fits and I feel invisible. I hurt my knee recently and I realized I do not want to live in this uncomfortable and hard to move in body anymore. I want to feel physically fit and strong. So I'm not going to back out. I am going to be strong and have faith I made the right choice for me and my family. 

My surgery is January 28, 2015. I like the sound of that. 

I start my liquid diet this Sunday. I think this will be the hardest part especially giving up Diet Coke. 

My current weight is 332, which makes me really sad and frustrated.  It is so hard to lose weight and so easy to gain. I know I have been eating way too much and of course I have had way too many last meals.  

I will try and post my whole journey in hopes it will help me to never return to this place.  I need to remember how I feel now. I'm so afraid I will go through all of this and fail.  Failing at Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig is expected but failing at weight-loss surgery that would just really suck. 

Tonight I will sit on my bed, remember this moment and try to remember there really are new beginnings.