Getting Through the Process

This process is taking so much longer than I thought it would.  I guess because I have been contemplating surgery for such a long time in my head, like years, that once I made my decision I thought it would go faster.  I have been working through the steps though.  I took the nutritional classes and they gave us a bunch of useful information.  I liked the girls in my group but I was hoping we could get closer, like go through this together but that just isn't happening. Everyone is busy and at a different points in the process.  I went for my blood work and I have a bacteria in my stomach so I just finished 2 weeks of antibiotics and need to test negative in order to get insurance approval.

I finally meant with the surgeon and that went pretty well.  He answered all my questions very patiently.  Told me I was an excellent candidate and prepared me as much as possible for the surgery.  I wont meet the surgeon again until the morning of my surgery.  So as of now I have to go for my blood work to see if the bacteria is gone and an EKG, because my primary wants it before he will send his note of approval.  If both of these things are fine then they can go to my insurance company for approval.  I'm just hoping everything goes ok today. 

I haven't been eating mindfully at all.  I haven't weighed myself either but I can tell I am gaining weight.  I think I weighed 331 at the doctors office which was a couple weeks ago.  That really sucked!  I am going to start working out again and just focus on that and not my food right now.  Usually when I start a workout regimen it's easier to eat healthier.  Your body just craves healthier food.  Plus I feel like I need to get in shape for the surgery.

Plus Size Coats

I love fall, I'm not such a big fan of winter.  It's so hard to find the perfect coat.  I usually buy my coats from Lands End, they fit me right and they are usually made well.  However, this year I was thinking of trying somewhere new.  I'm tired of always wearing black coats so I was thinking of a caramel, orange or even olive color. I love the navy but it may be better for spring.  It's hard to find a coat that is pretty and keeps you really warm. 

 

Ugly but warm.

 

 

 

one/ two/ three/ four/ five/ six/ seven/ eight

Practicing Patience

I went to my first group meeting last Wednesday, which they make you do in order to have surgery.  It was a little helpful, I'm hoping we will eventually cover some useful nutritional information about per-op and post-op diet but mostly people talked about their personal eating habits.  I think I overeducated myself so I find these meeting kind of boring and not that useful.  The only useful thing I found out is they are currently scheduling surgeries out until end of January into February.  I was disappointed to find out I will have to wait that long.  I know it's a big decision but since I have been thinking and researching about this for such a long time I feel like I have already spent the time I needed to spend contemplating if this is the right decision for me.  I just need to keep reminding myself to practice patience. 

I have been eating way too much food.  I'm acting like I am never going to eat again or something which is crazy.  I'm miserable and my clothes are getting tight.  I have decided to get control over my eating and to start exercising again.  I need to feel better and in some weird way I feel like I need to be in the best shape I can be before I have surgery.  So it's time for me to stop eating like I'm having surgery next week or I will end up gaining another 50 pounds. 

True That!

Oh, I sound so gangster for a middle aged Mom of three.  I read this and it just sounded so true.  It's like I woke up one day and knew surgery was the best option for me.  I'm scared, of course I'm scared of surgery, but now I'm scared I wont get approved or for some reason I wont be able to have surgery.  I had my thyroid removed so I'm not sure if that is an issue or not? 

When people say you become obsessed, it's so true. You join support groups on Facebook and Instagram.  You get consumed in all the gastric sleeve YouTube videos.  I have begun to see signs everywhere that tell me I am doing the right thing and I keep finding them.  I have weirdly all of a sudden run into people who are having the gastric sleeve or have already had it.  I ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen in 15 years and she had bariatric surgery, weird right?  My Dad had a minor procedure done in the out patient surgery area and I ran to a whole group having surgery that day by the same surgeon I am going to see.  I wonder if it's random or the universe pointing me in the right direction for me?

Today is the first time I actually go to the Bariatric Center for some sort of class, I am so excited but I have no idea what to expect or how long all of this is going to take but step one here I come. 

The Road to Gastric Sleeve

I have started the process of getting weight loss surgery and I mean just barely started.  Step one was just to attend or take an information seminar online, that part was easy.  Then I called to get in with doctor and my appointment isn't until October 23, which is driving me nuts because when I make up my mind I just want to get on with things.  I know this is a very serious life change so I need to practice patience. 

They did send me a check list of things I needed to get done, a form from my primary doctor, an appointment with a psychologist, blood work and nutritional classes.  So far, I have dropped off my paperwork and went to the psychologist, which was a total waste of money.  All the psychologist did was ask me a few basic questions, like how much do you weigh and have you tried other weight loss program, duh pretty much everyday since I was 10.  Then I had to take a 500 true/false test, like a personality test.  I think to make sure you aren't depressed or crazy, but really why can't depressed or crazy people have weight loss surgery? 

So the weird thing is they scheduled my three nutritional classes starting October 8 and I don't meet with the doctor until October 23, after I finished all the classes.  I'm wondering if everyone get approved or if they know by then if you will be approved or not?  She did say that after you meet with the doctor the insurance company usually takes about 2 weeks to approve you for surgery.  I'm wondering if they schedule my surgery then or if it will take awhile after that? I'm trying to be patient but I am a control freak and like to know what is going on.  Trying to remind myself one day at a time. 

This graph pretty much explains why I choose Gastric Sleeve over Gastric Bypass.  I was actually surprised that long-term gastric sleeve has better weight loss results, barely but it does.  I prefer it because it has less side effects.

Me

 I saw this picture someone tagged me in on Facebook and I know I need to make changes.  I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin which is weird because I have been about the same weight for 16 years.  I think since my kids are getting older I have had more time to think about what I want, what I want my life to look like and I don't want to look like this.  I am trying to think what is best for me at this point in my life, can I loose this weight on my own or is gastric sleeve the best option for me....I have so much to think about. 

So today I sit here not making progress actually gaining weight, see the progress tab, I'm frustrated.  I'm so frustrated that I actually sat through one of those informational meetings about gastric bypass or gastric sleeve.  I actually think surgery is a great option for me or anyone who is obese but I am such a baby.  See I have had surgeries that were not elective and they aren't much fun so electing to have surgery just scares the hell out of me.

Then.....
I saw this video by Jim Carrey and it just made since to me.

"My soul is not contained within the limits of my body; my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul."  Jim Carrey

I heard this and it's like someone just smacked me.  Our soul makes up so many different aspects as to who we are with the body being one of them.  I believe the way I feel about my body, which is not good, is eating away at my soul. 

“There is no reality except the one contained within us. That is why so many people live such an unreal life. They take the images outside of them for reality and never allow the world within to assert itself.”
― Hermann Hesse

This is so me, I look at myself through the eyes of others or how I think others view me.  I never just allow my true self to shine though.  I don't think I even know who I am because I look at, compare and worry about how others see me.  It's kind of sad.

However, the thing that Jim Carrey says about fear really knocked the wind out of me.  I think I live in fear.  I have had a lot of shit happen to me, as most people have, but I am constantly afraid.  I know the fear I feel is paralyzing me and keeping me from the things I was meant to be and do.  Choosing fear over love is keeping me from getting healthy.  Fear keeps me stuck where I am in relationships, my career and my health.  Fear causes me to get consumed with worry about the past and the future.  Fear prevents me from putting my true self out into the world. 


I'm choosing "LOVE" and "FAITH".  Love for myself and faith that I can become a healthy person, heal my soul and live the life I envision for myself. 

So today I am officially asking the UNIVERSE to let me become the person I envision myself being.