In Less Then 24 Hours I Will Be Sleeved

 

Tomorrow is MY day.  My surgery is at 7:30 in the morning which is good because waiting all day would be so much harder.  I just want them to whisk me back before I know what is happening. 

 

Yesterday was a really bad day for me.  I was tired because I could not sleep the night before, having surgery coming up makes it hard to calm your mind. I was starving, it was day 9 and I'm not sure why I was so, so hungry.  I think all the artificial sugar in Jello, Popsicles and sugar free Gaterade makes it harder and makes you way more hungry.  I was just an emotional mess, tired, hungry and scared.  I have this fear that I will fail to lose weight or that I will gain it back, which scares the hell out of me.  Then I ate some chicken broth and things got a little better. 

 

However, something happened today, I woke up feeling great.  I felt like my world was moving in the right direction.  It was the weirdest thing.  I was calm and at peace.  Hopefully I will feel that way tomorrow too.  I know this is the right decision for not only me but for my children too. I just have to have faith that this is my time to take care of me and that everything will workout great.   

Day 8 Pre-op liquid Diet

It's day 8 and it's so hard. I wake up happy and excited, ready to take on the day.  Then as the day goes on I get hungry, weak and can't stop thinking about food. The hardest part is cooking for the kids. I made chocolate chip waffles Saturday and Sunday, that was so hard, I really wanted one. Tonight I made pizza it looked and smelled so good I couldn't even sit with them while they ate. However, everyday I make it through feels pretty empowering. Honestly, I think they do this to you so you are so ready to have surgery you forget how scary it is. 

Also, so far I lost 11 pounds I'm happy about it but I thought it would be more. I think I will be a slow loser which may get frustrating. 

Trying to distract myself with thoughts of better outfits. 

Peter Attia's Very Interesting Ted Talk on Obesity

 I found this Ted Talk very informative. I don't always make the best food choices but I do not consume a lot of calories so it just doesn't make sense to me why I have such a hard time losing weight.   

   

Morning of Day 5

I'm down 9.8 pounds in 4 days, YIPPIE!! 

I often wonder if I could just do this diet until I lose the amount of weight I want to lose (about 150 pounds total).  I'm sure every weight loss surgery patient thinks about this, no one wants to have surgery.  I know for me I could not maintain a this liquid diet.  I am hungry.  I want to use my teeth again. 

I think the liquid diet is good for getting you in that mind frame you need for surgery.  It is an extreme beginning to making lasting changes.  Giving up Diet Coke has been easier then I thought it would be but giving up food has been harder than I thought it would be.  I bought some Crystal Light with caffeine just to the transition easier and I drink a lot of unsweetened ice tea. 

I am getting so nervous but I think you are so ready to get off this liquid diet that you are hoping the surgery gets here quickly.   

Day 4 Of Hell Week

Well, I have survived 4 days, almost. I have to say day three was definitely the hardest so far. I was so hungry and making dinner for my family was like torture.  I went to bed at 8 just to avoid food. I didn't lose any weight this morning, which stinks when you know you are starving to death. I have a feeling I may be a slow loser which is kind of scary because if you are going through all of this you want to make sure the surgery works and you want to lose weight fast. 

I spend a lot of time looking at Facebook and Instagram groups for inspiration and to help me stay focused and it does help. 

Today I got my official medical clearance from my primary and the hospital called to pre-register me. Man this is getting real. 

Day Two - Liver Reduction Diet

So, I have survived two days on the clear liquid diet and it is not easy.  I'M HUNGRY!!

I am supposed to have 3-4 protein shakes a day it's hard because they don't taste that great and let's just say they make you "go".   The doctor told us to use the protein shakes from Bariatric Fusion, I have the chocolate mousse flavor, too bad it's not real chocolate mousse.   I can also have, chicken broth, sugar free Jello and sugar free Popsicles, which have all never tasted so good.  Honestly, I'm scared I wont make it the whole 10 day. 

 

On a brighten note I have lost 6.6 pounds in two days.  I'm sure it is mostly water weight but I will take it.  I weighed myself Sunday morning, Day 1 and I weighed in at 328.5, which was surprising because I feel like I have been eating non-stop.  This morning I weighed in at 321.9. 

Currently, my before  

APPROVED and Surgery Date

So here I sit, Friday night on my bed filled with so many different emotions. I am so grateful I got approved, there are many people out there who need surgery but can't get it for whatever reason. I feel nervous, I'm scared, not about the pain but just about surviving the surgery and not having complications. I feel guilty and selfish, I am a single Mom so should I even be doing this?  

Here I am on a Friday night sitting at home not because my friends didn't invite me out and not because my kids need me, I'm siting here because I am not comfortable going out.  I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I feel awful about myself, I feel like nothing fits and I feel invisible. I hurt my knee recently and I realized I do not want to live in this uncomfortable and hard to move in body anymore. I want to feel physically fit and strong. So I'm not going to back out. I am going to be strong and have faith I made the right choice for me and my family. 

My surgery is January 28, 2015. I like the sound of that. 

I start my liquid diet this Sunday. I think this will be the hardest part especially giving up Diet Coke. 

My current weight is 332, which makes me really sad and frustrated.  It is so hard to lose weight and so easy to gain. I know I have been eating way too much and of course I have had way too many last meals.  

I will try and post my whole journey in hopes it will help me to never return to this place.  I need to remember how I feel now. I'm so afraid I will go through all of this and fail.  Failing at Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig is expected but failing at weight-loss surgery that would just really suck. 

Tonight I will sit on my bed, remember this moment and try to remember there really are new beginnings.